I’m Bipolar Damn it! Damn it I’m Bipolar!!

There are many in my life who can’t accept who I am and what I’m currently going through. I’ve bottled my past up so tight that it was likened to a volcano erupting when I finally started opening up. I didn’t ask to be this way but I also can’t control how I feel and especially being hurt by the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally.

I have great days and I have dark days. Any type of hurt can spiral a good day into a bad one. I have gone through days of crying, not eating or eating way too much and even went through a whole day without showering as I didn’t leave my dark bedroom, not even for a bottle of water. You see, people don’t really realize how detrimental words can be and also actions. When you are already living in a world of Bipolar feelings along with depression and anxiety, someone unintentionally hurting your feelings is easy.

I am extremely raw with the truth and only because if it can help someone come out of their “mental closet” then good! More people who are suffering need to speak out as there are those who don’t believe these issues are serious until it’s too late. Don’t be the family member who says “had I known” because by then the person is dead. It is imperative that these conversations are happening because suicide rates are multiplying and many of those deaths are affecting kids under 18 from bullying to fat shaming and so many other social issues. These bullies are crying for help when they are attacking their prey’s and we need to ensure their problems are solved so no deaths happen as a result of their actions.

I am Bipolar Damn it and words, feelings or lack thereof, they hurt me. Damn it, I’m Bipolar, can’t you see?


HER – story…I love You, I hate You (my bipolar)

I’ve been quiet lately and dealing with bronchitis and now my face is round like the moon, thanks to steroids. I’ve also been in quiet reflection and prayer for someone in my past who has caused me much pain.

About 14 years ago this week I was preparing for the birth of my son while planning a wedding. From the overpriced ceremony/reception venue to trying to keep the list of invitees under 200, looking at invitations, in talks with the seamstress who would be sewing my original gown to the limousine, Pastor and so much more.

Fast forward to July of 2004 I was so engulfed with the baby and wedding that I didn’t notice my mate had changed. It didn’t take long for me to figure out what was up and he made it so that he had many believing some lies he was telling. Well, he found what he was looking for and although our wedding date was to be August 21 he married his “new grass” the beginning of September. Folks, I can’t make this stuff up…anyway, you would figure I hated him but NO we had a son together so I have been his (virtual) shoulder to cry on the past 14 years and especially recently because he is going through hell.

I’m saying all this to say, people make mistakes and some of those changes set off domino effects we can’t foresee happening so it’s best you tend to your own “lawn” before giving it up for one you didn’t lay down. Can you be friends with someone who has committed the ultimate betrayal….yes, you can. Can you still offer your love and advice without losing who you are …yes, you can.

Sometimes life has a way of teaching us hard lessons and as he calls for reassurance, advice, a shoulder, a friend, I could easily repeat the lies he told everyone, but why, he has already been handed a bad hand so I won’t kick or keep him down. I am grateful for the past almost three months because me advising him has been my true measure of growth.

Forever comes in different forms, forgive and embrace change.

Being Bipolar..isn’t easy!

On the couch with Simone – Everything in its time and a time for everything.

Growing up I was lazy. Not the kind where I wouldn’t do what was expected of me, I did what was asked of me but after that, I was done. Didn’t put any extra effort into finding other things to fall in love with but reading, writing poetry and cooking and baking. After High School I went to City College to work on a nursing degree but did more hanging out than studying….my cuz was DJ on campus so I got well known real quick.

Then I went to Pace University and majored in all of the following: Criminal Justice, Computer Science, Psychology 👀👀, you get what I’m saying I couldn’t decide on what to study but I kept going. I attended college for 21 years and I was extremely smart but I had nothing to show for it.

I moved to NC and finished up my schooling and can now say, when I was going previously, I wasn’t ready. Mentally, emotionally, physically…I was not truly ready to observe and absorb all that was required to be successful. Fast forward to today, I am grateful for the many lessons I learned during the times I was just “attending”…I have a wealth of other knowledge that I can draw on and often times do draw on to help others.

Today, my message is simple, everything in its time and a time for everything. Just because Angie, Becky, Carl and Delano did it in four years, doesn’t mean YOU have to. Sometimes we earn the experience before the degree and then other times vice versa. Let no one put a limit on when you should graduate, marry, change jobs etc. When it’s your time, nothing or no one can stop it from happening.

Until next time….

The Opportunist Edition

On the couch with Simone, the opportunist edition. Say NO, Mean NO and End with NO! People will pretend to be there for you and truth be told, they are only there for what they can get.

Don’t offer your shoulder, hoping for an opportunity. Don’t give your time hoping to collect on my dimes. Don’t tell me about guarding my heart when you are now one of the reasons it’s torn apart.

You can always tell if someone’s motive for being there for you is true…when all is said and done, they are still standing by your side. They don’t jump teams because they “think” they can get more from another person, they stick around regardless of what others are saying or promising. Most importantly, they don’t lie to you about not having time for you when you see them online daily.

Promise an opportunist something, anything and they will find time to talk, text and meet. Now, wait to see if after they get what they wanted if the same level of commitment is there. Yup, bet it’s not! You don’t have to test this theory as I’ve done the research for you. Say NO, Mean NO and End with NO!

Don’t let people take your kindness for weakness. You don’t need people in your life who only want to take with no thoughts of replenishing.

FYI…Opportunism need not always be bad especially if you are the kind of person who is working, building, networking for success. This kind of opportunity is ok, using another person, is not.

Loving your Muse

On the couch with Simone- Had one of those weeks where I was up, then down and let’s just say I needed a moment to regroup. Remember, this is not a sprint, it truly is a marathon.

How did I get back on track… I thought about my Muse (Tyler G.) and it didn’t take me long to be thankful. Every single time I look at those dimples it melts my heart.

Tyler said Mom, you don’t have to get me anything for Christmas. I don’t deserve it. He’s 13 but has the biggest heart I’ve seen on such a young person. I can always find a reason to smile when my Muse is around or just thinking about him.

Who is your Muse? The next time things get rough, start naming or remembering ways in which your Muse makes you smile and remember this is not a sprint, it’s a marathon and because you are in it for the long run, you will encounter some bumps but stay your course and find your happy person, place or thing (Muse).

On the couch with Simone, a bit of a condensed version as I’ve been running around most of today.

So, I received two new medications the past two weeks and honestly though one has given me an upper respiratory infection and the other makes me feel sleepy until about 8:30am, the benefits outweighed the risks. If you watch the commercial for the two drugs, it cautions about drinking alcohol or eating grapefruit as leading to death. Honestly, anything can lead to death.

As the pharmacist asked if I had questions on the risks and two weeks later seeing how much it has benefited me, I had to soul search to see how many decisions I had made too hurriedly…how many times had I not sat still long enough to benefit from the seeds I had planted and how many times I used another person’s lenses to view people, places and/or things when I should have used my own lenses.

Sometimes, the risks outweigh the benefits but those times where a new cancer research study, asthma study, eczema study (insert study here) produces medicines which prove helpful for patients, then the benefits outweigh the risks. Don’t judge a person before you’ve read their story. Don’t expect people to accept the do as I say, not as I do mentality. Don’t burn your bridges after you’ve crossed them, sometimes we need to return to where we first begun. Most importantly, again I say, sometimes the benefits outweigh the risks we just have to allow time to take its course and view the world through our individual lenses.

Until next time…

Sabbatical and Mental Health Vacations

On the couch with Simone: I promised a longer post on why taking a sabbatical or mental health holiday is a must and what you can do while you are away from that environment to refresh, reinvent and reinvigorate who you are. Some reasons to go out for help are:

1. You’re sitting out in the car instead of going in to work.

2. You find yourself working from home and other remote locations like Starbucks more than your physical work location.

3. You get to the parking lot and go back home.

4. You’ve sat through a meeting and your notebook looks more like a sketchbook and you didn’t hear a word of what was said.

5. You and your supervisor aren’t seeing eye to eye

6. You aren’t seeing eye to eye with several coworkers.

7. You feel as if you working hard but only those who pretend to work are getting ahead.

8. *insert your reasons here*

9. *here*

10. *and here*

While you are out on vacation, sick and/or FMLA, take care of your body, mind and soul. Start an exercise routine, see a therapist, get yourself a massage, get a mani and pedi, do things to make you fall back in love with you again.

Many women like a rebirth and I’ve done the big chop three times already (bald is beautiful). It has taken away much stress and given me the will to want to be better.

While you are out become a private eye and search within yourself and see if your perception of a person or situation is actually correct or is there an underlying reason why you perceived malice to begin with. Sometimes we take things out on the people closest to us because we know they won’t fight back. Sometimes our office life makes our home life hell and vice versa. Figure out what the real underlying reasons behind your depression are, admit to them and then seek help.

Be content and otherwise satisfied with dissatisfaction. What I’m saying is you aren’t always going to get what you truly deserve whether at work, at home, in life or in love but be content knowing you serve a mighty God (I’m a believer) who can do all but fail. Accept that the lesson learned sometimes is well worth the dissatisfaction and your life is the better for it.

Most importantly, don’t keep these feelings to yourself. Find a person, group of people, a Pastor, therapist that you can speak to. Bottling up feelings of despair, hopelessness and helplessness can push you further into depression and anxiety. It’s not telling your business, it’s saving your life.

Depression and Anxiety are real…talk it out before your family and friends are at a gravesite falling out.